Errr… Yeah, it actually already started more than ten days ago. Right now, it’s two months after love day. Uuhh… yeah, maybe it’s not something to celebrate either. Oh, come on, I need something good. Something worth celebrating. Something to lift my spirit up.
These three days I’ve been feeling so tired. Not just low in spirit but also low in energy. I spend too much time resting during day time. Maybe it’s a combination between lack of sleep, minimum exposure to sunlight, no exercise, and, uh… something else, I guess.
I’ve been so sleep-deprived. Somehow I just couldn’t sleep before midnight. So now I have less than 4 hours of sleep daily. Of course, I tried to get some sleep in the morning too. But my sleep during the daytime could never reach deep sleep. Looking at the monitoring report, the overall quality of my sleep has been improving over the past couple of days. At least the deep sleep percentage is still acceptable. Before that, it wasn’t even anything close to ten percent.
About sunlight exposure… Well… it’s been pretty much low since the pandemic, actually. I supposed it got worsened due to no exercise. Before the fasting month, even when I didn’t do 30 minutes of running, I would still do at least 60 push up along with some squats. Uh well… it’s inclined push-ups.
My body hasn’t been back to its heyday to do the normal push-up. But every step is progress, isn’t it? And it’s usually pretty helpful to maintain my fitness level from aggravating. So, better that than nothing. So when that too is eliminated, oh, I’m in trouble. Gotta find my way back there. And hopefully can progress from there as well.
And, the last issue is, ta-da… **drum roll**. It is…. something else. Eh… it’s so vague, isn’t it? We got to elaborate this one. But how? Oh, don’t worry, my friend, it’s not that hard. After all, many things that are perceived as hardship is only our mind doing the trick on us. Aigo… how dare it, yeah?
Talking about the tricky mind. So, I got a message about someone who shared his experience while spending around a month in the Shaolin temple in his attempt to find God. He’s not Buddhist. But he believes that getting a better understanding of Buddhism philosophy is a great way to get a better perspective of God since the teaching is based on divine power and love.
I don’t know how much of his writing is true, but I find it very interesting. Especially the part where he said he was being motivated while feeling at his weakest. That life is just an illusion. Hunger, pain, anger, disappointment, and other negative mental state are just illusions. That it’s just our mind playing tricks on us. And to be free from that illusion, we must not let our soul become the slave of our body.
Well.. maybe it wasn’t verbalized perfectly. But I found other references related to body and soul in Buddhism teachings. There are two quotes that I really like.
“pain is inevitable, suffering is optional“
“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.”
So after that, I did a little search about monk’s life. Well.. what else can I do? Curiosity is my middle name. Though it’s usually invisible and unspoken. Lol. Anyway, I watched a video. There’s a part that caught my attention. About the four noble truths. It pretty much sounds like this.
- Life involves suffering
- Suffering is caused by our craving or desires ( in other Buddhist text, the causes of suffering is said to stem from negative actions -e.g. killing, stealing, lying- and negative mental states -e.g. desire, hatred, ignorance- that motivate the actions)
- Suffering stops when we stop desiring things
- (This talk about the way to stop desiring things)
We’re not gonna get into detail on the fourth point. Otherwise, this post will turn into completely another topic. Though I do want to provide the information as thoroughly as possible. Ah, is this impulse to write in detail a form of desire to?
Well… Talking about desire can get us into that something else. So, you do remember that I was stuck, don’t you? That I was in the process of writing but found it hard to move forward. I used to come here to… well… motivate myself, I guess. Trying to get myself feeling more relaxed too. And at some point, maybe just deflecting and distracting myself. Pouring some of my worries too. And uh… Doing the NameCheap frustrating issue handling report.
Wow… I surely did a lot! That, uh… didn’t seem to work on keeping me going. So yeah, I’m still stuck. Not entirely unable to move. Maybe more like crawling? And also straying. I guess I just want to keep moving, but something still blocks my way.
I also did something else that wasn’t documented online. Now, my phone storage is almost full, and I have three magic cubes that I can solve within 2 minutes each. Hey, it’s good news, isn’t it? At least I’m developing a new skill. Lol.
Anyway, when none of them seemed to work, I realized I needed to do something else. Something that I always prefer not to do. But I got to drop the baggage. Otherwise, it’d be like a ticking bomb that could explode anytime during my time of writing. And its way of exploding is very problematic. Since it would manifest in some inflamed way and cause the story to go off track.
So, I revisited the support group I had joined years ago but barely had activity on. And a community that I have also known since years ago, but I almost never took any action upon. Trying to find someone to talk to. Someone willing to listen and able to understand all the things that have been bothering me.
Oh yeah, of course! I do have more than a few good friends. Some really, really good friends whom I believe are willing to be there for me should I ever ask them. But I’ve never done such a thing in my life. And I guess… I don’t know, maybe I feel nervous about it. And also, maybe I’m just not ready to give them reasons to see me differently. And, maybe I still find it hard to trust them not to make things even harder for me. And if things go wrong, I currently may not have the energy to deal with it properly.
After all, what I really need is to feel understood, and I just want to focus on where can I get that. I just currently don’t have the energy to handle more feelings of being misunderstood. Oh yeah, please don’t laugh. I also never thought there’d be a day when I’m talking this way. But I guess no one can be strong all the time.
So, let’s talk about my journey in finding someone to talk to. Long story short, I found someone to talk to. He’s fun and affable. He also had a good sense of humor which created a relaxed atmosphere. He’s sensible and emotional and could quickly get in tune with our emotions.
Consciousness is his favorite topic for discussion, and he has an unpopular opinion about people and society, which makes him a great person to discuss things. There was only one thing, he’s so quick to judge. Which made the overall conversation felt different for me.
I didn’t say anything about it. I just tried to keep the conversation going and hoped we could get back on track. But as our conversation progressed, I felt like he became more and more judgmental. At first, I thought he probably going through something too and needed some time away for himself. But when our conversation continued, the same thing happened again. And it made me find it harder to open up.
Every time our conversation ended, I felt dissatisfied because of what happened during the conversation. At the end of the first day of our conversation, I even felt anxious that I got to find another listener before I went to bed despite initially intending to talk to only one person.
After our last conversation, I felt much more misunderstood than before I began using the platform. I felt so upset that I was thinking about sending him messages to tell him things I came to the platform to tell and how I felt about our earlier conversation. But when I thought about it, I also realized that some of my words could come off quite harsh.
He’s seemed strong but also soft at heart. I’m not sure he can handle all I got to say that well. Maybe he can handle it well. I just don’t want to be the person who causes discomfort to others for no good reason. Perhaps the reason is there. But is it necessary to do?
Yes, I feel upset. I had expectations when I used the platform. I connected to someone who appeared to be a nice person. Who seemed to have a high moral standard. Someone who was outspoken and didn’t hold back his opinion about things. Criticizing those who are not up to standard with a premise that seemed to make sense. But turned out didn’t even live up to his own words.
He was hinting that vulnerability and gentleness were underappreciated but made people feel uncomfortable opening up. Talking about deepness and his firm belief in love while posing as someone who’s there to listen and understand others but being judgmental. Love doesn’t judge. Love understands.
Well… I could come off strongly in stating my view when I feel mistreated. And I’m not sure behaving that way is what I need to restore a good state of mind and mood. So, I put it on hold. I’ve been pondering about it. And I think I most likely wouldn’t do that.
Had I done it, under the disappointment of feeling misunderstood, even though not entirely, some of my intentions might be to make him feel regret over the way he treated me. That’s why my words could sound pretty harsh. And it may not be wrong, but that’s not a good reason to do something.
I kinda wonder if it’s partly my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that I wish to talk more like friends. I did ask for it. But I thought I could get my kind of friend. I was hoping to talk to someone who could treat me the way I treat my friends.
Someone who can give me the comfort and freedom to tell my story freely. Someone who’s being attentive, willing to listen to everything I have to say, willing to dig deeper into the issue, and not just quickly jump to conclusions. Someone who’s not afraid to state their opinion but able to be respectful when I make different decisions. Someone who’s willing to be understanding even if they have different views, stances, or ways of dealing with things. Someone I can trust with my emotion and my story. Someone who can make opening up doesn’t seem daunting. I guess we can’t always get what we give.
Anyway, I tried to limit my exposure to the platform. I kinda felt uncomfortable coming there after that. That discomfort followed me even outside the platform. I even turn my phone off most of the days to shake the feeling and focus on what makes me feel good.
However, it triggered the feeling of being isolated, which put me in even greater distress. So I came to the circle again. Just listen to others and give understanding and support. But a couple of days ago, something happened that made me feel dissatisfied with myself.
There was a member who usually came to the circle and said something over and over again, even when it was not their turn to share. At first, I was being open and supportive. Encouraged them to share if they wanted to. But then a couple of members were stating their opinion, which was blunt and came off quite strongly. It happened during a session hosted by one of my favorite hosts.
Usually, the atmosphere during their session was bright and uplifting. But somehow, it didn’t feel like that yesterday. The host seemed… distracted. They failed to maintain the queue a few times and didn’t seem full of spirit as usual. And someone reported them, which I supposed made them feel even more troubled.
While the member kept talking, the host suddenly said they would leave if that member did the sharing. I saw that member weeks ago with the same behavior and saying almost the exact words, which could sometimes be disturbing. Because it was an expression of self-pity.
The people coming there might not be in the best state of emotion. So they might absorb the atmosphere of the environment easily, even when they don’t want to. When someone seemed distressed, they could get very concerned about it too. Other than that, I also saw people in the room, including the host, tended not to take that member seriously. But when the host said that, I began to think if there was a more concerning issue than what I knew.
Then the member started talking about them not getting much compassion heart and wanting to get specific amounts to get badges. Saying they wanted their profile to look nice. It made me wonder if all they said was sincere or just a way to get more badges.
So when those two members stated their opinion bluntly, I was kind of expressing that I agreed with their thought. I didn’t mean anything bad. But it’s kinda frustrating for me to see someone with a self-destructive mindset like that. And whatever people said didn’t seem to have any impact on them. It’s frustrating to see someone behaving like what we do for them is never enough.
I wasn’t being harsh. I merely said that if they wanted to feel better, they needed to work on themselves too. The circle could only do so much. People could come there to be listened to and get the emotional support they need. Beyond that, it’s the member who needs to do something about it.
The other two members were quite harsh in stating their opinion. And at a later time, I felt bad about taking the same stance as them and expressed my opinion. It was when another member joined the room and said it could be hard to break the cycle I realized that I was being unsupportive.
Because when I read that and thought about it, I realized that I pretty much exhibit similar behavior. I, too, have a cycle that is hard to break. My writings… the videos… Even my sharing in the circle or 1-on-1. That was when I realized that the problem of that member with the seemingly unhealthy behavior was real. Maybe their burden felt too heavy, and they didn’t even know where to start if they were going to talk about it.
They’ve been pretty much silent ever since that occurrence. I don’t know if it was because of me, the other two members, or some other factors. The thing is, I’ve been nothing but supportive to every other member. So, my unsupportive behavior is bothersome for me.
I’ve been thinking about apologizing. But I cannot contact them personally. So the only option to do that is through the circle. Yet, I saw them on and off during the sessions yesterday. And I wondered if it was because there was me and the other member in the room, which kinda makes me feel even worse.
Another thing is, the platform has slowly become an unhealthy coping mechanism. Spending time there has become an addiction. I barely made any progress in dropping the baggage. And the needs have become a craving. Also, the circle has been somewhat problematic lately.
The atmosphere in the circle has been different from during my early time using the platform. In my first couple of weeks there, the atmosphere was warm and uplifting. Even though everyone had their own problem, taking a turn to share, they were also respectful, understanding, and supportive toward other members.
They didn’t take things personally. When a member did the sharing, others would focus on that member. They wouldn’t end up sharing their own story while commenting or defending themselves because they have different views or ways of dealing with things.
In fact, they would share their opinion but give the members the freedom to decide for themselves. They would respect others who had different opinions. They had a deeper perspective, communicated effectively, and could see when someone was being supportive even when the words weren’t sentimental.
There was order in the room during the sessions. They knew how to respect the guidelines apart from their dissatisfaction. And know how to take the higher road despite how they feel about something. Lately, it’s no longer like that.
The members who exhibit those behaviors are rarely seen in the circle. So the atmosphere pretty much changes too. And instead of feeling warm and uplifted, sometimes I would feel… troubled.
More often than not, when someone does the sharing, others would also busy sharing their own story. Other times they would just be completely silent, even when the members expressed they expect encouraging words. Many people were in the room, but no words were given, not even compassion hearts.
I don’t always say something, but I usually give compassion hearts to show them that someone is listening and understands what they’re talking about. Even so, it was more than a few times I saw someone express they felt ignored during the sharing.
A member even said doing the sharing made them feel like a burden. And even after that, no one else said anything. It’s heartbreaking to see that. Especially since it happened in a place where people should be able to get the understanding and support they need.
They didn’t do anything when their words could have meant something to someone. But when it wasn’t necessary to say something, the words came out, and it wasn’t even a good thing.
When there was a heated discussion about the member who often expressed self-pity, no one tried to stand up for that member. But when other members joined and reminded us to be more empathetic, suddenly someone asked if the “war” had ended.
Everyone saved themselves from getting tangled in the situation. But the moment it felt comfortable for them to say something, they suddenly became critics. They showed up when it no longer mattered. And not to show sympathy to that one member. But to say insinuation. I don’t even see the reason why that was necessary.
I ever stepped up when I saw someone being ridiculed during their sharing. So I know we don’t have to take a different stance from those people. We just got to say something to remind them or widen their perspective. But there’s no need to make a comment that would only aggravate the situation. It would only lead to a more unhealthy discussion.
Many of the sessions now have no host. The other day, it was chaotic in the room. People disregarded the guidelines and initiated a heated discussion about it, using their sharing time to express derision about the guidelines.
From the start, I also felt dissatisfied with some of the guidelines, mainly about the prohibition to ask questions. Because for me, asking questions is a way to show that we care about what is being talked about. That we are willing to know more about it to be able to provide better support or comments.
But on the other hand, I also understand why it’s a part of the guideline. People in the circle are those who are going through something. There can be things they don’t feel comfortable talking about. There can be things that are triggering for them. I once saw a member getting very upset during their sharing when someone asked if they were being abused. That’s why the guideline is there. Cause even though it’s just an innocent question, the impact can be harmful.
So, those problems, along with the additional distress of being unable to find someone who is genuinely willing to be there, having the patience to listen to everything I have to say, and being understanding and supportive, make the time I spend on the platform becomes problematic. At this point, I would even say it’s likely that being there would add more of my burden instead of unloading it.
So, all in all, it is probably better to spend very minimum time there. Unless maybe if I find the kind of listener I’m hoping for and the conversation could make me feel better, uplifted, and energized. As much as I appreciate their kindness to be willing to be there for others, right now, I have goals. And I have to focus on those goals.
And the goal is not just to feel connected or to talk to someone. For that, being on the platform isn’t necessary. The goal is to unload some of my burdens, so my steps feel a little lighter. The goal is not to let myself continue feeling overwhelmed by the feeling of being misunderstood.
Talking about the second goal, we can go back a bit to the talk about desire. So, during my talk with the first person I connected with on the platform, the topic of desire came out briefly. He did seem to be going through something too. He said he often felt distracted and suffered from loneliness.
During our conversation, a question about desire popped up. He asked if desire was a bad thing. I said it depends. It could be if it leads us to do something bad. After that talk, I was thinking about it more profoundly.
The word desire might be more commonly used as a term in love and relationship, but I think desire can take many forms. Any kind of craving, any kind of feeling that something is missing that makes us experience a strong need to fulfill that longing feeling, can be considered a desire.
That’s why I think it can be both good as well as bad. It depends on how it affects our way of thinking and the way we feel, which would shape our actions and decisions we make that lead to the impact it would have on us later.
So how does this connected to what happened to me? I haven’t been able to do what I come to the platform to do. But I got some enlightenment. My interaction with people on the platform, seeing the interaction between members, and how people express themselves on the platform made me realize something.
Maybe it was hard for me to get to the deepest core of the cause of my issue. Because in real life, there are so many factors. Many things can happen during my days. There are many people I interacted with other than those involved in the issue. There are information or situations I’m exposed to that resemble some parts of the issue. There are other issues that I have to deal with in my life. There’s also this expectation from myself in how I’m dealing with things in life.
All those affect my perspective. And maybe when I was looking into the issue, I couldn’t separate every other factor completely and focus merely on the issue. So my emotion changes from time to time which affects the way I see the issue. Sometimes it can be quite extreme. Sometimes it can be quite rapid.
But it wasn’t always a reflection on how I felt about the issue. Everything was tangled. It’s pretty much a mess. So the problem became more massive. And it’s getting more difficult to deal with.
On the other hand, my interaction with people on the platform is pretty much isolated from every other thing in my life. So it’s easier to get to the bottom of things. And I supposed the one thing that also makes it easier is because I have little to no attachment to the people there. It’s easier for me to disconnect myself from the people or the environment to get more clarity about what’s happening.
I care about the people I encounter there. Especially those who are vulnerable and express themselves freely. And also those who are understanding and empathetic toward others. But I care about them as human beings and nothing more. I wouldn’t allow myself to continue to be in distress over someone I don’t even know.
I care about them, but I can always put myself as a priority with them. And I have no doubt that everyone there would do the same with people they encounter on the platform. So, as I said, it’s easier.
While in real life, in the issue that makes me experience all kinds of emotions, it may not be like that. Things are still unclear, and many are still a mystery to me. Sometimes I thought I was seeing things. Other times I knew I was just assuming. But apart from how I feel about it all, I like to think and talk about it in a lighthearted way. Because it makes me happy.
Oftentimes I would feel torn about how I should behave. I can’t be thoughtless to someone I care about who probably cares about me too. How would I be able to look myself in the mirror if I did that? I cannot think only about myself just to get myself out of discomfort or difficulties. Especially since I did it before, and I’m only left with deep regret.
I cannot pretend that I’m not aware of things that I sense. And even if it’s only possibilities, it matters to me when it comes to someone I care about. I don’t know how to put those thoughts aside and just focus on my own well-being. Especially since I’m not the type, who can run away from my conscience. But also, I felt wronged. And I cannot disregard this as well because it would be unfair to me. So, well… like I said.. it’s… complicated.
Btw, this has become too long. I didn’t anticipate this. This post has become novel-like. Lol. I knew there’d be storytelling, but I didn’t think it would be this long. This was intended to be maybe like an hour writing. But now it’s already two days. And I’m not even done yet. Lol. seriously…
Actually, there’s something more I want to talk about. About desire, enlightenment, and four noble truths. But I supposed I would continue in another post. Also, the title… uh… it’s totally unrelated to the content. Well… I was just casually writing this to feel better. But turns out there was so much to talk about, and the words just kept flowing. Lol.
Well.. the title becomes somewhat misleading, I supposed. But I think I would just do what people in the circle say at the end of each session. The words I could never be able to say no matter how many times I’ve been there. For me, it just doesn’t feel right to say it. But for this one, let’s just… let it be.😄
Also, ahaaa… I’m gonna backdate this post. Otherwise, I would have to make some adjustments. Sheesh… There are other things to do. So, let’s just let it be for this one too. 😉
How's Life? 